liveblogging the puppy bowl

Welcome to Puppy Bowl II! Are you ready to rumble? You guys thought I was joking but I was serious. Serious as a heart attack.

It turns out I'm not really liveblogging this afternoon, I'm blogging with a 5 minute delay at the request of the FCC. So in case a puppy says something obscene I can edit it out.

The puppy bowl is held in Downtown Silver Spring, Maryland! The great state of Maryland! I grow more and more convinced that everything good in this country comes out of Maryland. Like me, for instance.

12:01: We're introduced to part of the starting line-up:

• Sheeba is the CUTEST! Sheeba is a Shiba Ibu! I've never heard of a Shiba Ibu! I want one!
  
• Barry the poodle is so not cute.
• Cha Cha and Disco are Springer Spaniels. Pretty cute, and extra cute points for the names.
• Agatha is a Whippet/Beagle Mix. Awwwww...

12:05: Barry the poodle is on speed or something. He's attacking everyone. Go on Sheeba! Teach that fucking poodle who's boss.

12:06: Water bowl cam! That wasn't so interesting.

12:07: Oh my god there are soooo many puppies. Some of their names I don't know yet. Another bowl cam shot of a puppy drinking. Animal Planet, a note, this is really only interesting when the puppies are trying to climb in the bowl. OOOOH there we go, somebody stuck a paw in.

12:08: Everyone's getting Barry. The boyfriend: "I'm starting to feel a little bad for Barry." Me: "Barry shouldn't have stirred up all the shit." Our first instant replay, as Disco or Cha Cha tackles Barry and takes him down.

12:10: One of the puppies wants to climb out of the stadium. ALL of the puppies want to climb out!

12:11: As a black puppy tries to sniff its butt, a beagle/dachsund mix who we haven't been introduced to yet stares at the camera, head cocked, moving back and forth to try and get a better angle on it.

12:13: PUPPY PENALTY! Intentional grounding! I.e. a puppy peed in the end zone and a guy dressed in a referee's outfit came out, blew his whistle, called the penalty, and cleaned it up.

Commercial break.

12:17: More of the starting line-up:

• Domino is a black retriever mix.
• Louie is a brown retriever mix. When the boyfriend first saw this one he went, "Ooawwwhhhh!"
• Bessie: hound mix. Beagle-like with stubby little legs.
• Tab: lab/retriever mix. Looks like Louie, but bigger.
  
• Belle: black retriever mix. Fluffy!

12:19: Agatha is sleepy.

12:20: Barry just defeated Tab by barking in his face viciously. Instant replay. We hate Barry.

12:21: Barry allows Tab to sniff his butt.

12:22: They're now playing some kind of banjo picking song in the background. What?

12:24: Belle took Barry down and the fake crowd noise in the background went, "ooohhhh!" Everyone is getting bored with Barry's antics.

12:25: Instant replay of Barry hopping on his hind legs in frustration that no one will play with him. His feet look like little claws. The poodle is altogether kind of a bird-like dog. Maybe that's why I don't like them. At least he's not shaved. I can't abide a shaved poodle.

Commercial break.

12:31: More puppies.

• Mickey: "a hard-hitting hound, ready to mix it up on the gridiron." This is satire at its finest, folks.
  
• Zena: beagle mix.
• Badger: an australian cattle dog. My favorite freaky-looking dog of all time!
• Danny: beagle mix.

12:33: Puppies like to chew on their toys.

12:34: Puppy penalty. Illegal procedure. 45 yard line. First down. The puppies want to play with the ref.

12:36: They've taken Barry out for the moment. It's really not that interesting without him, actually. Sometimes we need an object of hatred as contrast in order to properly appreciate what we love.

12:38: A little floofy dog has appeared. In its first 10 seconds on screen, it starts yapping. What was I just saying about an object of hatred? That's not cute.

12:39: Instant replay of Agatha trying to catch her tail.

12:40: Locker room shot. Puppies eating. Commercial break.

12:44: Agatha pig-dogs what looks like a stuffed frog with troll hair.

12:46: Sheeba takes Barry down and pig-dogs his throat! Awesome!

12:47: Puppy penalty. Illegal use of paw. 15 yard penalty. Repeat second down. Actually this was some puppy crap, I don't know what the illegal use of the paw thing is about. The ref has to rescue his flag from the puppies who are trying to play with it.

12:48: The boyfriend: "Is the puppy bowl meant for women? Women watch the puppy bowl and men watch the super bowl?" Me: "Women watch the puppy bowl because they appreciate satire."

12:51: The boyfriend asks how I think they choose the puppies to go in the puppy bowl. Wouldn't I like to be the one to cast the puppy bowl? Oh yes I would. Like in Martin Amis' Money, when John Self holds a casting call just so he can sleep with the women who show up. Only I'd be playing with the puppies, not sleeping with them. Shut up, you.

Commercial break.

12:58: Love the instant replays of puppies tackling Barry. Can't get enough. Get 'im fellas!

1:00: Barry graps the nape of Disco or Cha Cha's neck (they're twins) and tries to pig-dog him. Um, that didn't work so well.

1:05: The puppies appear restless, are milling about.

1:06: Subaru Drive of the Hour: Barry breaks away from the pack to take it all the way down the field.

Commercial break.

1:10: Three way tug of war over a stuffed ... I don't know what that is. It's white and fluffy and has a tail.

1:12: Sheeba and Barry: clash of the titans. It's funny because Sheeba is about half Barry's size. Sheeba still wins. That's right, those are the wages of being an asshole, Barry.

1:14: Agatha is SOOO barky. Hush your mouth Aggie!

1:16: Sheeba for the second time this afternoon attempts to stand up at the edge of the stadium but is too short to rest her paws on the top of the partition. She opens her mouth and rests her upper jaw on the top of the partition.

1:17: Puppy penalty. Puppy holding. Half the distance to the goal. Automatic first down. The puppies are swarming the ref. I can't tell what the real foul was here, the ref appears to just be removing a hotly-contested toy.

1:21: Puppy scrum!

1:22: Sheeba on the water bowl cam. She pats the water delicately with a paw. The boyfriend, who earlier encouraged her to climb into the water bowl, says: "Not yet ready." That's okay, boyfriend. It'll happen, don't worry.

1:24: The boyfriend posits the existence of ADPD: Attention Deficit Puppy Disorder. Or PADD.

1:25: Sheeba playing with the water in the bowl again. She's just teasing us now. Dang it.

1:26: Louie has very fetching wrinkles in the middle of his forehead. Floppy triangle ears, too.

1:27: The ref heads out to the field. It's time for the Bissell Kitty Half-Time Show! According to the announcer, he has found some major damp spots and he is using the spot remover device they keep advertising to remove them, in order to make sure the field is clean for the kittens. Um, yeah, I'm pretty sure he's cleaning astroturf. What have I been saying about satire?

Commercial break. Back with kittens!

1:32: Awww kittens. They've brought out a very elaborate stage for the kittens to play on, plus there seems to be some disco ball action. And disco muzak too. There's a little grey kitten with the funniest widdle face. Awww he's got some YARN! Fuck me.

1:49: Not much to say about the kittens, honestly. Little spazzy balls of fur. Don't get me wrong, I love kittens, but kittens are a one-trick pony. Bouncy bouncy.

1:51: Oh holy crap, hang on. Some human broke out the LASER POINTER to play with the kittens. Oh I love it.

1:53: A kitten's in the water bowl. It's reaching a fever pitch. Some of them are falling asleep sitting up.

1:55: Rabbit fighting! Now I've got the T. Rex song in my head. In spite of the boogie woogie muzak. Oh wait, disco ball has been put into overdrive. Kittens look terribly confused.

1:58: Time for the Bissel Kitty Half Time Show Finale! Confetti comes floating down from the ceiling, buckets and buckets of confetti. Felling kittens left and right beneath its weight. Some finale, burying kittens alive in shiny paper. The kittens don't know what the fuck to do. They're hunkering down in fear. Haaaah. Poor kitties.

2:02: Let's head down to the field for more hard-hitting fun! Err, butt-sniffing fun.

2:07: A crazy white muppet-looking puppy entered the mix a little while ago. I think he reminds everyone of Barry, so they're all attacking him.

2:12: Subaru Drive of the Hour: "Even under extreme pressure from Agatha, Barry stops at nothing to get the extra yardage." Wait, that totally happened before half-time. They're not being very rigorous here.

Commercial break.

2:17: An observation: they've somehow got the rights to the Super Bowl theme music, which makes the satire that much more biting. Are you feeling me, people? Satire.

2:18: Bowl cam. A puppy drinks lustily. Three separate times he is so engrossed in drinking that he plops a paw into the bowl as if trying to hold the water in place so it can't get away from him.

2:20: Trot, puppy, trot!

2:22: A little black pup briefly appears to be trying to bite fluffy muppet-pup's package.

2:23: They're still all going after fluffy muppet! And what has he ever done except remind them of Barry?

Commercial break.

2:28: Unrelated to puppies: the boyfriend just confessed to me abashedly that he looked at vacuums last time he was at a department store. He's slightly obsessed with vacuums recently because he cut his hair (which is so powerful that it made short work of our last vacuum), thus enabling vacuumage of our apartment. He's even been to the vacuum store. I may have to buy the little man a vacuum for Valentine's Day.

2:32: Puppy penalty. Blocking the puppy passer. 30 yard line. First down. Ohhh it's a poopie puppy penalty. What a good sport the ref is. Kind of cute, too.

2:33: Sheeba's back! Sheeba is the tiniest and scrappiest puppy on the field. Sheeba is fierce. Barry's back too, though. And still obnoxious.

2:34: Oh yesssss! Badger the cattle dog is finally out there! I love this piebald little guy.

2:35: Puppy clusterfuck. They're all in a big clump, snarling and fighting. So hard-core.

2:39: There's a toy on the field that we haven't been able to figure out. It's made of something resembling shearling but has a big old flat brown tail. What kind of mutant toy are they giving these impressionable young pups.

2:42: A puppy just made a noise like a tasmanian devil. Chills.

2:42: Subaru Drive of the Hour: It's Barry, Barry, and more Barry.

Commercial break.

2:45: There's a commercial for some kind of baby bath products in which babies say "This is my buddy!" The boyfriend has just pointed out that it sometimes sounds like they're saying "This is my body!" as if they were the baby Jesus, "offering us the eat of them." Wow. Boyfriend, you have issues. Plus he has just repeated to me the worst joke his father has ever made, about how there are now computers that can "do a petaflop" and how if you have one of those you probably have to register as a computer offender. Seriously, men, you can cultivate a sense of humor. Try it.

2:48: Another three-way tug of war, this time with a squirrel! Tab wins and begins intently plucking the fur from its tail.

2:50: Some of the puppies are getting cranky. Snarling, growling, whimpering. We're headed into the home stretch, guys. Rub some dirt on it, walk it off.

2:53: I love it when a puppy jumps over another puppy. That's what they mean by pageantry.

2:58: Two minute warning. You can see the exhaustion on these pups' faces, but they're hanging on. Putting their last ounce of determination into it. What great sportsmen.

2:59: 20 seconds left. Announcer: "This has been a sportstacular day. No doubt the fans will take home lasting memories of the outstanding competition and unrivaled pupsmanship. Until we meet again next year."

Well, I did it, folks. I made it all the way through. It was touch and go for a while around hour two, but I soldiered on. And if you're reading this, you stuck with me, or at least skipped to the end. You've seen me reach tiresome, David Bowie-like heights of irony. I am satirical and in deadly earnest at once. You now realize you don't know me at all. I am inscrutable, unfathomable. There are depths of my personality you have no hope of plumbing. And because I made the boyfriend sit through the Puppy Bowl, now I have to sit through the Super Bowl. Speaking of which, what is with Aaron Neville's facial tattoos?

Most Awesome Puppy: Badger, the australian cattle dog.
Cutest Puppies: Louie and Sheeba. Honorable Mention: Agatha.
Most Annoying Puppy: Barry, no contest.
Now everyone vote for Most Valuable Puppy! Go Sheeba!