Friday, January 27, 2006

the island of SUCK

After watching Michael Bay's The Island last night, I have a few questions (and trust me, it wasn't necessary to be any more clever than that with the title of this post).

Oh, um, spoiler alert, but I don’t think you really want to watch this movie, so never mind.
  • This bastard child of Brave New World, Logan’s Run, and Bladerunner has cleft my spirit in twain and left me forever in ruins. Just an observation.
  • Ewan McGregor, why don’t you get those protuberances removed from your face before people start mistaking you for Robert Redford? I know you’re Scottish, but that doesn’t mean you have to look like a haggis.
  • If, even after years in Clone School, the clones are still only at “Dick and Jane” reading level, what exactly do their minders feel they’re accomplishing by flashing subliminal-type words onto the brainwashing screens they use to indoctrinate new clones before integrating them into Clone Society?
  • What happens to the moth when Clone Ewan McGregor lets it go? It’s the most sympathetic character in this whole movie, and we get no closure.
  • Does mainstream American society still consider it funny to make jokes about how you shouldn’t give a woman your credit card? How about making fun of men who get beaten at virtual reality fighting video games by “little girls”? As far as I could tell, these constituted the sum total of all attempts at humor in the entire movie.
  • Related: the clones are called “agnates” by the Evil Corporation. According to Webster’s, this word means “a relative whose kinship is traceable exclusively through males.” Whaaaa?
  • Why, exactly, does Clone Ewan end up with Hepatitis Ewan’s memories (and fingerprints)? In any other movie ever made, I would assume this was some attempt at metaphor or allegory, but I’ve just watched all of L.A. and everyone in it go up in flames and I have to think the real answer to this question is “to freak us the fuck out.”
  • Related: Have you ever seen so much shit blow up in your life? Unholy mother of god.
  • Okay, in the 14-years-from-now future, when there are videophones and hovertrains and crazy flying jet motorcycles that look like those thingies from Return of the Jedi, are we to believe that the super rich Evil Ewan McGregor With Hepatitis won’t have had Lasik surgery or something? Why is he wearing glasses? What’s wrong with the traditional skinny moustache to distinguish Evil Doppleganger With Hepatitis from Good Clone Doppleganger? So obviously there’s a standoff scene in which one Ewan has a gun pointed at the other Ewan’s head, and Clone Bounty Hunter is trying to decide which Ewan to take down, and he’s having trouble because oh god they look so much alike, but if it’s supposed to be important that by the time we get to this scene Hepatitis Ewan has lost his glasses and therefore even the audience at home can’t immediately tell which Ewan is which, why didn’t Michael Bay attempt to create some kind of tension resulting from the confusion of identities during this scene? -- Oh wait, he was trying?
  • Another observation: the scene in which Hepatitis Ewan professes himself shocked that Clone Ewan has been hanging out with Scarlett Johannsen for days and hasn’t boned her yet took 10 years off my life.
  • Are all cars in the future Chryslers? Yes, all cars in the 14-years-from-now-future are Chryslers. Just like all shoes are Pumas, all water is Aquafina, all phone booths are MSN-branded, and all virtual reality gaming systems used in secret illegal cloning facilities are Xboxen.
  • Can anyone think of a watchable movie Ewan McGregor has been in since Trainspotting? Nope, didn’t think so.
If I had three wishes right now, I would use the first one to wish that I’d never seen this godawful movie, another one to wish for a magical bottomless coffee cup, and the last one to wish that the British court system would STOP GIVING THIS MAN BAIL.


At 3:04 PM PST, Blogger idler king said...

If Ewan McGregor did not bone Scarlett Johansson, I am not seeing this movie. Oddly enough, the rest of your description was enticing.

At 12:10 AM PST, Blogger piehat said...

Oh, sorry, I left out the boning. It was the only thing I didn't have questions about. I recommend just fast forwarding to the blowing-up shit scenes (wowaweewah!) and then to the boning scene. You won't miss any important plot points, don't worry.


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