more and more one-liners

• I'm feeling much better tonight. I'd like to be a more interesting person now, please.
  
• May is National Masturbation Month! So register for the Masturbate-A-Thon, which is taking place in San Francisco this very Saturday! Seriously, people, let's all do our parts.
• In the same vein, a big, fat nyah nyah to all you meathounds out there. Keep in mind, this is all according to Pamela Anderson, and she is a respected authority on the subject.
• And again: Sextris! If you like to work for your porn. Uh, it really does not take long to get to the good stuff, but then you have to kind of scramble to keep it.
  
• You there: I know you'll be playing soccer in a field behind the Costco tomorrow afternoon. I will be watching you. You'll see me and I'll be standing there, leaning against a fence, with my false eyelashes, press-on nails, daisy dukes, and 4 inch heels, popping my gum and smoking two cigarettes at once. Don't ask why, it just feels right.
• The Idler King is now to be referred to as "Emoticon." I am serious. Call him this, get his goat. As Emoticon himself put it: "Like calling the fat man Slim." Actually, I don't know, he's kind of perverse so he might really like this nickname.
  
• Hello there, Dr. Clambake. Hello there, Dr. BJ And The Bear.
• Allow me to be serious for a moment. I'm incredibly annoyed by this article, but since I'm a lady, that science stuff is beyond me. So I can't refute it other than by saying this: How would an infant monkey know what a truck or a doll was unless it had been taught by humans? I'm just saying.
• P.S.: Kisspeptin. I feel like that tells me everything I need to know about the level of scientific mind involved in this research.
  
• I always thought "gonad" was just another word for "testicle." Apparently the term "gonad" refers to either testes or ovaries. Huh. I learned this from that article, but don't worry, I verified it elsewhere.
  
• Why do I have the Age of Aquarius song from "Hair" in my head?
• Yeah, so, I was lying when I said that thing about watching you boys play soccer. I will be getting all gussied up, but I'll just be sitting at home watching reruns of Sex and the City or something.
• Is this or is it not a heinously perfect work of art?
• I'm in a totally chatty mood, but I can think of absolutely nothing more to say. Therefore, bedways, I suppose.