one-liners: hey little sister edition

• I didn't go to Maryland. I stayed here instead. It's a long story, so to save time you should just be happy for me.
• Also, I'm on steroids right now. It's another long story, related to the last one. Your emotional response to this news is unimportant to me. I am just giving you a heads up that if you notice any testiclular shrinkage for the next few days, this is why.
• Now to the fun stuff.
  
• Anyone want to go kick the Christian Science Reading Room with me? That counts, right?
• I cannot explain why I think this is so rad. I suspect the fact that I think this is fucking rad might mean I'm not as cultured a person as I'd like to think I am.
• I can explain why I think this is rad, but you already get it, so I won't bother.
• I have nothing to say about this, but I think you should all be subjected to it. A psychotic break loves company.
• You know you're scared of Peeps too. Do not front.
  
• These kittens are named Lemmy and Iggy. Holy crap! How fierce is Lemmy, am I right?
• Okay, another Overheard. Idler, don't say I never gave you anything. Third one down. Possibly an even better pet name than "Lemmy."
• This is making me paranoid. Could someone please reassure me that I'm not shaped like a thumb? Right now?
  
• I'm going to go ahead and call it: this is the best webcomic ever made.
• Ahem.
• I've got to work up to this last one, bear with me.
• Hem. Huh-huh-huh. Ahhhh-hem. Okay, here goes.
  
• Last night, my little sister called to tell me that she voluntarily got herself knocked up about six and a half months ago. In case you're unfamiliar with how the process works in humans, the fact that she got pregnant six and a half months ago means that there are only three (3) months left to go before some kind of event occurs and a baby appears. She hasn't told our parents yet, and is only planning on telling them now because she's attending our brother's wedding on Saturday, and it will be obvious when they see her. In point of fact, I firmly believe that if my sister didn't have to attend a public event in one of her siblings' honor while visibly enceinte, she would have this child secretly, raise it secretly, and never, ever tell my parents that she made a baby. Which, you know, isn't something I would condemn out of hand. It's a boy, by the way.