Wednesday, December 28, 2005

portmanteau words

Dearest reader! If you're like me, you spend a lot of your valuable time insulting people, and wish you could get back just a little bit of that time for yourself. As an act of charity during this holiday season, I wish to bestow upon humanity -- absolutely free of charge! -- the gift of my revolutionary insult-time-saving process. Let me go ahead and give you a step-by-step:
  1. Stick two offensive words together.
  2. Eliminate as many syllables as possible from the middle of the mutant word you created in step 1, while still retaining the essence of its meaning.
  3. Yell the resulting string of syllables in the general direction of someone you're pissed at.
I guarantee this simple technique will save you time at the office, in the mall, and on the freeways and byways of our fair nation. A few representative examples:

Fucktard. It's exactly like calling someone a "fucker" and a "retard," but because it has 50% fewer syllables, it is twice as efficient!

Fuckbag. Just like calling someone a "fucker" and a "douchebag," but, again, twice as efficient!

Wanktard. "Wanker" + "retard" -- you get the picture!

Douchetwat, cuntbag, dicktard, etc. These are only 25% more efficient than using two different insults, but 300% as fun to say!

Now, go out and try it yourself. I guarantee you will be able to insult more people in less time. If you're faced with an utter asshat and find yourself drawing a blank, just try appending the suffix "-tard" to the end of the insultee's name. "Stevetard." "Marktard." "Larrytard." Seriously, if you know someone named Larry, please call him Larrytard for me. I will feel it happen and be just a little bit happier.

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